My itinerary for the last quarter of 2010 was set long
before I arrived Sudan. I knew I’d 
leave Yei on Sunday 5th December
and would stop by in Kampala for a few days before heading home. With mission accomplished as at other times too, I feel I should be more
excited and joyful about going home than I am currently.
But there’s a strange mixture of sadness and excitement all
cascading inside me as I head for home. It’s not the first or second time, so I’m
beginning to think it may not be the last.
My mood swings are engineered by some imaginary and real
issues:
1.
I’d started missing some of my disciples and
friends in Sudan terribly, even before I left. I’m coming to terms with the
fact that there may never be a good way
to part on this kind of trips. Many showed and voiced their sincere displeasure
at my departure. Should I develop a tough skin for these moments?
2.
As my departure drew nearer, my heart became more troubled; I felt there’s
still so much to teach, to ask, to supervise and to learn. Is God getting all His due? I couldn’t hide my
feelings, forcing someone to ask, “…so why don’t you just stay
here?” Good question!!
3.
I miss my church, my friends back home, some TV
programs that slavishly poke my humor and humanness and of course, I miss my family. I
miss my wife so much sometimes I cry. When I see kids here, I think of mine,
longing to hold my boys in the way only a dad can and should. They are missing
me just as much.
4.
I imagine I’m missed for various reasons by
various people here and at home. It’s sometimes a wonderful and yet traumatic feeling
to feel missed. So I’m sitting here,
halfway home, feeling that tension from two quarters I’m so passionately involved with. If you were me, what would you do or be doing?
5.
Then I also imagine there’s a lot of work waiting
for me at home, appointments to keep, broken things to fix, errands to run and may
be much more. I always dread these with all my heart. Who will help?
6.
After almost three months of continuous ministry
to others, I feel I should disappear to some remote location alone. Did I say
alone? But I’ve been missing my family all this while! My mentors insist on
this but it takes great discipline which I’m still struggling with, to shut
down or at least, hibernate for a few days after arrival. How can this be properly
managed for the overall good?
7.
You see, I’m already planning my return to Sudan with some intense excitement.
What’s my next plan based on what happened on this trip? I don’t know all the
answers yet, but I’m dreaming… Before you conclude I’m a superstar,
consult my wife. She knows the truth.
8.
I’ve had some major concerns on this trip and
each time I think about them, I seem to end up more confused. It can be very
scary to be confused and admit it publicly with, “I
don’t know.” I’m wondering if it’s
normal to feel lost with some critical life issues. Enter the mentors!
Regardless of what you think of my blues, I’m convinced that there’s something more terrible
than feeling lost or even being lost as a matter of fact. It is
maintaining a steadfast drive with a confident disposition but without divine
direction and destination. Also, there’s
something more tragic than missing your target and I think it’s hitting
someone else’s target and then owning it as yours.
I’m in good company, but feeling spent on the inside. I’m
afraid to imagine that though much virtue has left and is still leaving me for
the good of others; there’s a blues, more like an anticlimax that has
to be addressed.
Have you been here before? What did you do?
Kingdom Exploits With Uche 