Flipping through my journals
earlier in the week. I stopped to reflect on the recorded events of this
season, exactly 19years ago.
I’d not slept for as little
as 10minutes since mid October the previous year and on the 24th of January
1993, I was on admission in hospital diagnosed with acute Malaria and acute
insomnia. I thought I was going to die. The emotional trauma made me hate
life. Death seemed the best option.
My problems that season took
a drastic twist when I learnt from my Head of Department on campus that I had
an outstanding elective course which I’ll not be allowed to take that final
semester; consequently, I won’t graduate with my classmates.
I was just a few weeks
into my courtship with Sola,
and we were both struggling to understand the whys of our inevitable and
immediate “call” into an intimate relationship. The complications of
that season were just too heavy for my mind to manage.
I had every reason to be
happy; my final exams were over, project done and a sweet girl I didn’t ask for
offered moral support. But no, I was the most miserable soul on earth. Too many
issues invaded my thoughts and slowly, I began to spend my day and night hours
just thinking, fantasizing and wondering what could have been.
The idea that I’d failed
couldn’t leave me.
In those days, there were no
mentors and those that could have played that role were like submarines- too
deep for quick access, always in war mode, too busy with official assignments
and too strange in appearance for ordinary people.
As I narrated my ordeal to
the doctor, my dad who’d brought me to the hospital couldn’t take it anymore.
He slammed his fist on the doctor’s table and shouted, “Why didn’t you
tell me all this since…!?” As close as we were, there was an
invisible chink that made a huge difference.
Lesson 1:
Close friends, mentors and family (your tribe) could be the ladder leading out
of the dungeon of depression. You
need a tribe. Don’t ignore their grace. Granting them permission to speak
into your case is humility. God lifts the humble.
Lesson 2:
I felt I could “think my way out” of my challenges. I tried to, but
realized my efforts were powerless to the seductive nature of depression. It
makes you both the subject and the object of the issues. You are like a boat
lost at sea and also the turbulent storm tormenting the boat. You can’t have
the peace that passes all understanding by trying harder to understand. Until
you surrender, the storm is you. Sadly though, people around you will
suffer your blasts too. They don’t deserve it.
Lesson 3:
As I lay on that hospital bed, thinking of my life. I said, “Lord, you
know I could have maneuvered my way out of this mess. I didn’t have to tell my
department the whole truth, thereby punctuating my journey like this.”
Victory is not far away when we engage the Lord in an honest dialogue.
He longs for it!!
He said, “Yes I know,
but you are not here because you told the truth, you are here because you
believed a lie.” Which lie?
“You believed your
joy and peace come from doing good, achieving set goals and seeing your plans
work out. But your joy is in me. Nothing else can satisfy.”
“You are not a
failure. I’m the only one that can define you to you. I love you in your
weakness and in confusion. I love you not because of what you can accomplish
but because of me. I love you for me.” I couldn’t understand this.
Lesson 4:
The Bible was stale and prayer meetings were a bore those days. I spent many
nights listening to any station broadcasting in English language from my small
transistor radio. Depression reveals how wide our focus shifted from Jesus to
other gods.
Lesson 5:
You are not immune from depression because
you have a successful career or ministry or a happy home or healthy children
etc. Like we willingly choose Jesus as Savior and Lord, we choose worry
that soon leads to depression. The feeling of hopelessness is just a
feeling. Faith and feelings don’t mix well.
Lesson 6:
The only antidote to a lie is truth, not commonsense. Knowing the truth
does more than set free, it makes free! The difference between the two
states is profound. The persistent application of truth regardless of
present circumstances honors God. That’s what faith is all about.
Do you have any memories
along this troubled path? What did you learn?
Kingdom Exploits With Uche 